My Blog

…makan tidakku…

tidak akan pernah aku bergantung pada kesaktianmu…
puluhan atau ratusan orang mungkin pernah kau bangkitkan dari kematian hati mereka…
jiwa-jiwa kau selamatkan dari putus harta benda…
bahkan para pencari jalan ruh kau berikan obor-obor pencerahan…

tapi tidak kukatakan kepadamu yang berjalan menembus hatiku…
mendobrak ketentramanku bersama yang bertahta di urat leherku
maaf kalau mengecewakanmu…
tidakkah engkau lihat bahwa kekuatanmu hanyalah tumpukan sampah di hadapan sebutir mutiara keyakinanku

berikan saja pada yang lain…
aku enggan
membuang mutiaraku…

sudah, berhenti meletakkan jampi-jampimu di kalbuku

Yeah
I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now
But hey, what daddy always tell you?
Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
whatchu crying about?
You got me.

[ Verse 1 ]

Hailie, I know u miss your mom
And I know u miss your dad when I’m gone
But I’m tryin’ to give u the life that I never had
I can see your sad
Even when you smile
Even when you laugh
I can see it in your eyes
Deep inside you wanna cry
Cuz you’re scared
I ain’t there,
Daddy’s with you in your prayers
No more cryin’
Wipe them tears
Daddy’s here
No more nightmares
We gonna pull together through it
We gonna do it
Lainie’s uncle’s crazy ain’t he,yeah
But he loves you girl and you better know it
We’re all we got in this world
When it spins
When it swirls
When it whirls
When it twirls
Two little beautiful girls 
Lookin’ puzzled, in a daze
I know it’s confusing you
Daddy’s always on the move
Mama’s always on the news
I try to keep you sheltered from it
But somehow it seems, the harder that I try to do that
The more it backfires on me
All the things, growin’ up
As daddy, daddy had to see
Daddy don’t want you to see
But you see just as much as he did
We did not plan it to be this way,
Your mother and me
But things have got so bad between us
I don’t see us ever being
Together ever again
Like we used to be like when we was teenagers
But then of course
Everything always happen for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it’s just something
We have no control over
And that’s what destiny is
But no more worries
Rest your head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we’ll wake up
And this will all just be a dream

[ Chorus ]

Now hush little baby don’t u cry
Everything’s gonna be all right
Stiffin’ that upper lip up little lady I told ya
Daddy’s here to hold ya through the night
I know mommy’s not here right now and we don’t know why
We fear how we feel inside, it may seem a little crazy
Pretty baby but I promise, Mama’s gon’ be alright

[ Verse two ]

It’s funny,
I remember back one year when daddy had no money
Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up
And stuck ‘em under the tree
And said some of ‘em were from me,
Cuz daddy couldn’t buy ‘em
I’ll never forget that Christmas
I sat up the whole night crying
cuz daddy felt like a bum,
See daddy had a job But his job
Was to keep the food on the table for you and mom
And at the time every house that we lived in
Either kept getting broken into and robbed or shot up on the block
And your mom, was saving money for you in a jar
Tryna to start a piggy bank for you
So you could go to college
Almost had a thousand dollars
Till someone broke in and stole it
And I know it hurt so bad it broke your mamma’s heart
And it seemed like everything was just starting to fall apart
Mom and dad was arguing a lot
So mama moved back on to Chalmers in a flat
One bedroom apartment
And dad moved back to the other side of 8 mile on Novara
And that’s when daddy went to California with his CD
And met Dr. Dre and flew you and Mama out to see me,
But daddy had to work, you and mama had to leave me,
Then you started seeing daddy on the TV
And mama didn’t like it
And you and Lainnie were too young to understand
Papa was a rollin stone, mama developed a habit
And it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it
I’m just sorry you were there and had to witness it firsthand
Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud
Now I’m sittin’ in this empty house,
Just reminiscing Looking at your baby pictures it just tricks me out
To see how much you both have grown it’s almost like you’re sisters now
Wow, guess you pretty much are and daddy’s still here
Lainnie I’m talking to you too daddy’s still here
I like the sound of that, yeah
It’s got a ring to it don’t it
Shhh, mama’s only gone for the moment

[ Chorus ]

Now hush little baby don’t you cry
Everythings gonna be all right
Stiffin’ that upper lip up little lady I told ya
Daddy’s here to hold ya through the night
I know mommy’s not here right now and we don’t know why
We fear how we feel inside, it may seem a little crazy
Pretty baby but I promise, mama’s gon’ be alright

[ End chorus]

And if you ask me to, daddy’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Ima’ give you the world, Ima’ buy a diamond ring for you,
Ima sing for you, I’ll do anything for u to see u smile
And if that Mocking Bird don’t sing and that ring don’t shine
I’ma break that birdie’s neck, I’ll go back to the Jeweler
Who sold it to ya
And make him eat every carat
Don’t fuck with dad.
haha

_____________________________

…the spirit behind eminem’s attitude in that song…
thats what i am feeling…
yes i do want to keep my baby angel happy and contented whatever it takes
it might take me to be out of her sight for months…
it might take me to be fuckin’ away from her life this early…

it might even take my tears during a nite of a heavy day…

my baby angel, daddy is away for one good reason…
daddy wants you so bad to live a life like what daddy always wanted when daddy was just a little kid
no life like what daddy had been through
not like that..
hug mommy every time you need to feel comfortable
dont worry about daddy, since daddy is also in her heart, when you hug mommy, you hug daddy as well…
forgive me for still not being around to help you understand the world…but trust me, we’re gonna run a great life ahead, you’re gonna be the luckiest little girl in the world, the happiest lady ever live and you’re gonna have the prettiest smile when thinking about your daddy, your mommy, your life and your self… things that daddy always wanted for his own…

….

(Damn you Eminem…*tears*)

Tidak semestinya sebuah pagi yang ditingkahi sinar matahari hangat menjadi pagi yang sebaiknya dilupakan.
Namun, bila gemuruh sengketa dan gelombang kepedihan masih mengintai orang banyak, apa yang bisa dibuat?

….ingin melangkah, keluar dari titah
….ingin berbuat, menyimpang dari taat

tapi, tidak bisa. karena semua kewajiban sudah dibagi

biar aku mengasah lantunan berita jejak masa
sejuta suci akan bertindak
sejuta musibah akan menghentak
maka manusia menjadi bangkai sekaligus bersama ruhnya

Tidak semestinya sebuah pagi yang ditingkahi sinar matahari hangat menjadi pagi yang sebaiknya dilupakan.
Namun, bila gemuruh sengketa dan gelombang kepedihan masih mengintai orang banyak, apa yang bisa dibuat?

….ingin melangkah, keluar dari titah
….ingin berbuat, menyimpang dari taat

tapi, tidak bisa. karena semua kewajiban sudah dibagi

biar aku mengasah lantunan berita jejak masa
sejuta suci akan bertindak
sejuta musibah akan menghentak
maka manusia menjadi bangkai sekaligus bersama ruhnya

Oh Lord of freedom, Lord of will, Lord of existence…
Beneath my shadow, there is this face of tranquility that I am longing
Above my consciousness, there is this point of wonder where I can put my faith in
For anything that goes beyond reason does not really exist forever

Oh Lord of eternity, Lord of darkness, Lord of light
Give me not a piece of Your future
Give me not a blend of Your beautiful wrath and torturing mercy
Since a glimpse of night is enough for me to hang on

Be the one who fears
Be the one who dares
Be the one who seeks for the real life
For the real life is not outside every soul
It is the blessing that is already within

Cahaya…
Datang menengahi suram
Merancukan pengertian
Menenggelamkan pemahaman

Cahaya…
Hadir mendesirkan kenyataan
Menegaskan kepalsuan
Merobohkan bungkus kemapanan

Cahaya…
Bersifat menerangi
Bertugas menjernihkan
Bergerak meneguhkan

Cahaya…
di atas cahaya
memelukku dengan erat
menahan napasku

tersekat…

..hingga aku paham bahwa Ia begitu dekat

Yes baby, I know how hard it is for you to be left alone out there. And i do know that rasing our baby angel sometimes is no walk in the park. It takes your heart, your soul and sometimes takes out your anger.  Things might not be as easy as dreaming about ‘em. I could chew that, I could make it al over my deepest soul.

But you know baby? When shit should happen, it happens fast. Nothing we can do to put it off. Well, what I am able to do is to help you through it. I cannot just take off from here and let even more shit come to our life. Forgive me hunny, lets just hang on together although miles are between us. We need to figure out the best thing that might be on our side and how it might turn into nightmares in seconds.

Oh dear, never ever doubt how beautiful life is with you and how shitty it might be without you. Since I threw in that decision into my life to be with you, I know that dreams are only within our  reach.

Hence, baby, please dont give up the fight. Lets put our inner strength in this struggle. We’re gonna be together soon or things will get better in no time. I have promised you a wonderful life, trust me our life is now and forever. While bad things come, never loose a good heart to face ‘em.

My lady, have a heart to face all these, and I’ll devote my life to you and to our baby angel…and as I said previously, a proud father never looses hope…a loving husband never looses faith…from there goes all fight and struggle

Lihatlah penderitaan yang engkau mulai. Lihatlah bagaimana orang banyak harus menerima senda guraumu bagaikan hunjaman siksa. Banyak tak tampak dengan matamu, namun sesungguhnya jelas mengukir jejak dalam hatimu. Hanya saja tidak ada lagi ketajaman mata rasamu yang mampu melihatnya. Apakah kamu menunggu sampai seluruh bagian tubuh menjadi saksi dan tak ada yang bisa dilakukan atas mereka?

Periksalah punggungmu. Apakah ada lusinan atau malah ratusan anak panah di sana? Berapa banyak sudah kau lesatkan? Seperti Arjuna, banyak di antaranya kau dapat melalui pertapaan yang sulit dan berat. Banyak juga yang kau dapat setelah menaklukkan ksatria-ksatria yang ketangguhannya hanya di ujung mata kakimu. Namun adakah artinya kalau hanya menembus penjagaan rapuh jiwa-jiwa tak bersalah yang menaruh harap setinggi langit yang mampu dilihat?

Periksalah tanganmu. Apakah ada busur yang sebesar keangkuhanmu? Untuk apa busur itu engkau bawa-bawa kemanapun alam pikiranmu menuju? Lihat, ada jiwa lemah yang membutuhkan sepatah-dua patah kata penyejuk kesabaran. Dengan anak panah-anak panah hasilmu berguru pada percikan cahaya dan lembaran gelap engkau menambah luka yang tidak disadarinya. Demikianlah jiwa itu makin lemah tanpa diketahuinya. Sehingga bergerak menjauh dari nama-nama abadi Penguasa Langit.

Tidak! Jangan engkau teruskan. Jiwa-jiwa itu bukan hakmu. Jiwa-jiwa itu adalah milik kekuatan terbesar. Panahmu tidak akan mampu menantang kuasa mutlaknya, apalagi menentang.

Penat rupanya kenanganmu. Demikianlah kalau engkau mencoba mengambil alih peran sang pemberi kabar kebenaran. Lalu, apa yang mau kau buat?

Beristirahat saja, jangan berbuat apa-apa. Semua sudah ditentukan dengan kerjapan mata dan lintasan kehendal. Dapatkah engkau bertindak seagung itu?

Engkau berkata bahwa saat ini adalah masa yang sangat sulit untuk menempuh kehendak nuranimu. Lalu tetap saja engkau melangkah. Segala keraguan menjadi kemasan hati dan segala kebingungan dengan tegasnya menjadi penghias jiwa. Inilah saat dimana keheningan sudah diabaikan.

Engkau bertanya kemana engkau harus teruskan perjuangan ini. Lalu engkau tetap saja tidak memiliki gambaran pasti di arah mana sebaiknya kakimu diserahkan. Demikianlah kalau kau buka hatimu terlalu lebar untuk petunjuk dan kesesatan sekaligus. Bukankah tidak ada niat menghadap kepada siapapun? Jadi, apa sebenarnya yang kau keluhkan?

Dengarkan sejenak napas batinmu. Sesakkah paru-paru ruhmu? Tersengalkah engkau di deru asap kendaraan-kendaraan yang berpacu pada kegelapan? Bila demikian kabarmu hari ini, maka bertanyalah sekali lagi kepada yang berhak menuntunmu. Jejakkan kakimu di semburan pagi kebohongan, tancapkan belati akalmu di seruak malam kesejatian. Ah, begitu mudah engkau tertipu, padahal kebenaran telah mengiringimu kemanapun. Sadarkah engkau? Melihatkah engkau? Mendengarkah engkau? Tidak ada satu manusia pun yang berjalan ke suatu tujuan bila ia menginginkan kebenaran.

Karena kebenaran sesungguhnya berjalan bersamamu…

Demikianlah makna hijab yang sesungguhnya.

Lalu?

hah…!!

akhirnya ditunjukkin juga
ditunjukkin kenapa hati gue berbalik dari Guru Suci akhir2 ini…

Guru Suci sendiri yang mengatakannya lewat milyaran kata…

"Bagaimana engkau bisa setia pada Tuhanmu, bila engkau tidak belajar setia padanya…tidak belajar setia pada rejekimu…tidak belajar setia pada ilmumu…tidak belajar setia pada keinginan-keinginan baikmu"

Hahaha..ini masalah meneguhkan hati ternyata..

…beralasan saja bisamu..